My Hallelujah

 

I opened my eyes

          And I saw that you were gone

          Saw how bright the sun had shone

When I opened my eyes

 

And I opened my mouth

        And I found  I could say your name out loud

        And still feel strong

I’d found that I’d moved on.

 

And I opened my ears

       And I broke down into tears

       When I found that I could hear

My own heart beating clear

 

Then I opened my heart

        and found that it was whole

         And the part I thought you stole

Was still in my soul

 

      So Hallelujah for my life

      For the joy and even the strife

      Hallelujah for the past

For that  toxic thing that didn’t last

 

Then I woke from my sleep

       And saw that God my soul did keep

Saw the harvest of my life to reap

       That I did weep

 

Then I stepped through the door

      Where the pain of him was felt no more

In the comfort now where I dwell

      In knowing all myself

 

So Hallelujah for what it was

        For the strength I gained and the good it does

Hallelujah for the pain

         Didn’t want to live a boring life anyway

 

O Hallelujah

 

 

 

Thank You

 

Thank you friend, for your love

I know you said you’d always be there

But I know you had your own things going

Without my problems to bear

So I thank you for your love

 

Thank you, friend, for listening to me

Even when it made you cry

Thanks for holding me up in my corner

When I’d lost the will to fight

So I thank you for your love

 

The year has gone by

And it seems we’re doing alright

Thanks for trumping the pain

When I’d lost my faith

Thanks for setting my world aright

Thank you, friend, for your love

 

If you should ever call my name

‘cause you find yourself in doubt

If you’re feeling alone and you need somebody

To help you figure it out

Then count on my love.

 

 

The Wait

 

      I stand still

      Close my eyes

      Feel the wind on my row

      Take a breath

      Let it out

      Stay within the now

Yet I still feel the ticking of a clock within my mind

And I feel I’ll be waiting for a while

 

      Work all day

      Dream all night

     Watch a sun go down

     Start the day

     Once again

Wait another round

 

I’ve been praying for someone to hear me out

I’ve been aching for someone to say out loud

I’ve been waiting for you

 

I know that I’m not ready now to b e a second half

I know I’m still a wounded victim of my past

 

      So I take

      One more breath

      Watch the moon rise up

      Keep me busy

      Yet breathe out

And ignore the clock

 

I’ll keep changing till I forget this place I’m in

I’ll keep going till the lonely won’t keep crashing in and I stop

     waiting

 

 

 

About Him

 

      It was a long time ago before you met me

I was just nineteen barely out on my own when he came

     When I didn’t know my name

 

How it began

I don’t know

We just held hands

         and we didn’t let go

All those years ago

 

         But things are different now

         You don’t have to worry, should he come back around

         There’s no point in getting lost again when I’ve been found

               By you

 

     When I was a girl and he won me

And the world turned around me

            And I learned to love with all breath

and all my strength

and all myself

     Until he left

             When I was just a girl

Broken in the world

 

           Although I think of him from time to time

Don’t think that I have changed my mind

         Tell me, could you ever leave yourself behind?

He’s the why

     I love you

I am just a girl

      And you’ve become my world

 

 

 

Eighties Bop Star

 

They said you'd gone away the day before my birthday

Thirty years of you the world had ever got to see

         I used to dream that if I

         Made enough of me that

We would meet and you’d say

I was all you needed

That’s the dream of any silly girl

Who dreams of rising Bop Stars

You the culture king of Bop

And me your doting queen

That’s when I’d know

I was worth a super star

 

The years of Bop are gone

        And all our teenage heroes

I’ve since grown up and made a something out of me

If you’d the guts to be less

     Extraordinary

     I’d still have liked to know

What you’d have thought of me

 

That’s the dream of any grown up gal

Who dreams of former Bop Stars

        You the former king of Bop and

        Me your doting queen

That’s when I’d know

I was worth a superstar

 

I used to think

It mattered

What others thought of me

I used to think

If you loved me

            I’d be a better me

Sunny boy blue with a gleam on you

shed your light

      on

          me

Make ‘em all see

 that there’s more

      to

          me

That’s the dream of any silly girl

 Who dreams of former Bop Stars

       Idolized and sympathized with

       Supersized

       And justified

       Just like

 A superstar

 

 

 

As Long

 

We met in a noisy restaurant

    You made me laugh

    You made me want

To know the man behind the smile

    And we forgot time for a little while

 

We texted up a storm and then

You said you’d come if I’d say when

       I missed you and you said it too

You came to me and I ran to you

 

Do you know

      How great it feels to feel this way again?

Does it show

      How much I don’t ever want this to end?

 

You picked me up from the S‐Bahn stop

       Whisked me away to a mountain top

       You kissed me hard and pulled my hair

And made me feel how much you care

      You listened when I spoke my pain

And then made sunshine out of rain

      You drew me close and I gave in

You made me fall all over again

 

I feel your heartbeat next to mine

It’s beating harder out of time

We’re moving fast, the world’s a blur

It’s you and me in the universe

 

      But you said,

Let’s take it slow

Let’s take the road

    Just hold on tight and not let go

Let’s plant this seed and watch it grow

         you know

And I said

    Let’s take it slow

    But before we go

There’s something that you oughta know

Don’t give a damn which way we go

     As long

as it’s with you.

 

 

 

Again

 

I wish I knew what keeps me up at night

What hidden traumas keep my soul unsatisfied

        Can’t be you

‘cause it’s been years since that goodbye

        You’re forgotten

Just some memory of mine

 

Oh , here she comes again

      That old me that never wants to mend

Oh, here comes the fall

      It’s like no time has passed at all

 

Many years go by and suddenly you’re older

You pass the days tryin’ not to look over your shoulder

You think it’s done when you’ve found someone

     And then you find

You’re a different you with a different view

     But time stood still inside

 

But life goes on

And for a time, you’ll be gone

I’ll forget you for a while

Till something reminds me of your smile

 

Oh , here she comes again

      That old me that never wants to mend

Oh, here comes the fall

      It’s like no time has passed at all

I fall

    down

 

 

 

Sorry for Love

                                                        

       Why did you say

those words you took away?

      Did it scare you to see

How much they meant to me?

 

      Would you have stayed

If I’d been vague about

     What I felt for you?

If you never knew?

 

Sorry for love

Sorry for hope

Sorry I thought you were the one I was waiting for

Sorry for loving you

 

       What would you say to me

If we would meet?

      Would you be sorry?

Or would I be?

 

       Would I say too much?

Or would I laugh

      At how much I’d clutched

To a short lived love?

 

     Or would we fall in love

And this time

     Would it be enough?

 

Sorry for love

Sorry for truth

When you said I was all you needed,

       I believed you

Sorry for trusting you

 

What am I going to do about this love?

 

It’s still within me after all these years have passed

        when you

  woke up and left me here in true love’s everlast

 

Will I ever be through

       with loving you?

 

Sorry for love

Sorry oh love

Sorry in love.

 

 

 

Up

 

Getting up everyday

Trying to fight against the rat race

        It’s wearing your soul out

What to do

When the world’s up against you

         And you don’t know your way about

 

        So you say that you are going

And you say you don’t care how

And you say this without knowing how to begin

        But you know

You’re gonna get through this somehow

 

Night to day

You feel your mood begin to change

       And you find that you’re still here

Come on friend,

Look at how much time you’ve spent

       Held back by your own fear.

 

     Now you say that you’re unsure

Sayin’ it’s not the time now.

But I feel that if you wait another day

     Some time

They’re going to get to you somehow.

 

What’s the use of all your speculations

      They only serve to bring you down

The world will never meet your expectations

      That’s what life is all about.

 

Everywhere you seem to look

People logging on to Facebook

       And you won’t sign up

Count to ten so you won’t become one of them

      But you know that it won’t stop

 

      And you knew it would be hard

      On this higher road of yours

Passing grassy fields that get greener as you go

      Till you wonder

What you are struggling for

 

Now you say that you are going

And you say you don’t care how

And you say this without knowing how to begin

       But you know

You’re gonna get through this somehow

 

 

 

Because of You

 

You say to me it’s perfect

You say you’ve never felt this way before

You ask me if I feel it too

 You ask me if I’m still unsure, and I say

 

You,

           You,

                        You are just what I’m looking for

 

You move mountains just to hold my hand

When I’m crying, you listen

And you try to understand

 

 You

        I’ve fallen for you

                ‘cause you

                        ‘Cause you take me as I am

 

I feel that since I found you

That you were always there

And if others say that we’re foolish

 moving too fast

I won’t give a care

 

 ‘Cause you

Hold me like I’m precious

And you kiss me like I am

Yet you ask me why I’m smiling

When we’re walking hand in hand,

 

and I say

 

You,

            You,

                        ‘cause you are my man

 

 

 

Smile Like Stephanie Tenney

 

I knew a girl name Stephanie when I was just a teen

She was the class misfit, though she thought she was prom queen

She walked around the school à la vie en rose

        She was the “O” in original from head to her toes

 

Life was hard for her at such an early age

Yet she still dreamed ‘bout being an actress on the stage

She was a little girl with massive dreams

       She hadn’t figured out that life isn’t what it seems

 

When the clouds would start rolling in

She would shut her eyes and let nobody in

        Who knew what Daddy did when the day was long

‘Cause she’d pop a cassette and all her problems would be gone

 

Smile, oh Stephanie Tenney

        Close your eyes and raise your hands in the air

Smile on, Stephanie Tenney

        And dance like you really don’t care

 

Stephanie was sensitive, she wanted to be cool

She cared what people thought at our stupid middle school

       They crucified

              denied her love that she deserved

She almost died in a locker room

‘cause she didn’t know her worth

 

        Oh friend, I wish I’d been there for you

Defending you from all you would go through

Don’t think I didn’t stay ‘cause you weren’t worth the fight

        I just wanted to think that everything was alright

 

      Smiling Stephanie Tenney

Closing your eyes with your hands in the air

       Smile on, oh Stephanie Tenney

And pretend

       you really don’t care

 

         Steph, remember when we used to talk and talk

About love eternal and all of that girl stuff?

Gotta tell you girl, it’s not what we had thought

          Sometimes it still breaks down after giving it all you’ve got.

 

I think I know, dear Stephanie, what you would say to me

         You’d say, “Shut up and step up! Don’t get lost in selfpity!”

And now I’ll try to be the person you’d have been

If you were here and life had finally let you win

 

         Oh Steph, it’s now been years since you’ve been here

The world has changed, there’s more out there now to fear

        I know if you were me, you’d turn your walkman on

Dance around, forget the world for as long as a pop chart song

 

So I’ll smile like Stephanie Tenney

Close my eyes and raise my hands in the air

Then just smile like Stephanie Tenney

        And pretend I really don’t care

 

So when you’re feeling lonely and the world’s a pulling you down

Just remember my friend, the prom Queen without a crown

      Try to take each day as it comes to you

If you can’t then this is what I suggest you should do:

 

Smile like Stephanie Tenney

Close your eyes and raise your hands in the air

       Then just smile like Stephanie Tenney

And pretend that you really don’t care

 

Smile my Stephanie Tenney

      Close your eyes and raise your hands in the air

Then just smile oh Stephanie Tenney

 

Oh my girl, wish you were here

 

 

 

Alberta

 

I don’t know what to tell you

It’s not like this is something new

The last few years I’ve thought about

where I belong

 

I’ve walked many miles in different shoes

Did everything that one should do

To find the path towards my truth

And found where I went wrong

 

Don’t think I say this to hurt you

I’m just trying to do what’s right

Believe me, when I say I love you

But it’s time to go

 

Know that I will always miss you

Every night and every day

I love you more than I could ever say

 

It’s just that I’ve been searching

For a place that needs me

It’s not that down there’s better

But it’s where I’ve got to be

 

I’ll think of you on lonely nights

When the full moon’s on the rise

Of your snowy coat of diamonds

That gleam in winter’s sunrise

 

I’ll close my eyes and remember

Your great sky of unending blue

I’ll take a breath and surrender

To the beauty that is you

 

But your mountains and golden prairies

Your folks of gentle air

Your turquoise lakes and rivers

I’ll remember elsewhere

 

And if by chance I can return

It will be a joyous day

For I love you more than I could ever say

 

I love you more than I could ever say

 

 

 

The Other Day

 

The other day when I wrote you,

        I didn't mean for you to doubt my heart

I just missed you so bad that I hated the world.

       Why was caring for you so hard?

       Painful and sick from the start?

 

 Will you wait for me if I'm flying too high

        and I can't seem to get back down?

Will you look for me when I'm spinning away

        trying to get back to you on the ground?

        Carried away by the clouds?

 

        I didn't mean to let you down

        I didn't mean to make it sound that I don't want you

        I promised you that I would hold you in my heart

Until the day that you would take me in your arms again

 

And if you give me a chance I swear I won't let you fall

 if you come with me away from here

Abandon this place of fear

 

Then I swear I will stay

Keep the doubting at bay

        if you swear you've never ever lied,

If you swear you've only ever tried

        for me

 

 Will you listen to me when I talk too fast

 and you can't keep up with all the "why"s

       Will you hold on tight

 when I'm on a tirade

       of what I think is wrong or right?

 Will you keep me in your sight?

 

 I didn't mean to let you down.

I didn't mean to make it sound that I don't need you

I promise you that I will stay as long as you say

        that you'll keep me

        keep me in your heart

 

So here I am before you

           saying sorry for the hurt I caused

for doubting you at all

Please don't say that all is lost

       with you

Then I will trust you now

We'll get through this somehow

         I promise you when the times get tough

Your word will always be enough

      for me

 

I didn't mean to let you down

 I didn't mean to make it sound that I don't love you

 I promise you that I will hold you in my heart

        until the day that you can keep me

         take me,

 take me in your arms

 

 

The Door

 

I don’t know why I find myself back here

I thought that I’d found me love again

It seems that life keeps rolling down this road into second gear

     I guess it wasn’t meant to be

 

But how can I keep going

      without getting myself hurt?

I try to open up myself to someone

     And find I just get burned

 

       Wise men say that the path of love

Is only through this door

       Then I suppose I must go through

       Accept what lies in store

For love.

 

I dreamt that I was flying

      in the open sky

I saw my life from a far distance

And I asked myself why

      I should be sad

      I should be lonely

He was only just one man

     When I saw the love of all the many people that I had

 

I won’t give into despairing

I won’t give into pain

      The way is hard, but it’s worth the walk

It’s just one rainy day

 

      Although I know what we could’ve been

You said that you won’t follow

So I’ll take the path of love again

And leave this place of sorrow

     To you

 

       So I say goodbye to you

My some‐time one‐time lover

I’m gonna gather up the love I have

And save it for another

 

      So take my gifts and go with them

Return to me no more

      I have gone away to distant lands

      I’ve walked out through the door

To love

For love

For me

 

 

 

Wishing

 

I wish I could be someone else

Start again somehow

I wish I could be superman

       Or queen of somewhere now

 

       Wish that I was anyone

But me

 

It’s not easy living with yourself

With the life that you’ve mislead

        But if I could be anybody else,

Who would I be instead?

 

Would I be free,

       Or long to be me?

 

 

 

The Question

 

When I look at you

and you're looking at me

I just wonder if we're beginning to be

a circus duo or a flying trapeze

 If I let go this rope,

will you try

to catch me?

 

 I'd like to fall,

 Fall for you

Feel like I'm flying towards something true

Are you ready for me

'cause I'm coming at you,

Better tell me the truth

Better give me some proof

before I take the leap

 I can't tell if you care

 'cause you're always sweet and you're always there

 

Could you give me a sign

 if I should take a step

 off this tightrope of mine

 'cause you have swept me

off my feet.

 

Darling,

 you are all I need

to keep from

     falling

I'm falling for you

 It would cushion the fall

            if you feel like I do

 

Do you feel like I do? 

 

 

 

Don’t

 

Oh friend, I'm sorry for never letting you go

 You can't walk back the same way you came

but I just needed to know 

            If we had now for ourselves

                        Would we feel that way again?

I’m sorry for disturbing you

            And pretending to be a friend.

 

Don’t hurt for me, don’t think of me

Don’t wonder if I’m okay

The years went by and I moved on

There’s nothing more to say

 

It’s nice to know you’re doing well

And you are happy too

I never thought we could talk like this

It’s all completely new

            But I see that I have to let you go

            And I see this time you won’t

            You may think we have a second chance

But I know that we don’t

 

Don’t fall for me, don’t yearn for me

Don’t wait another day

The seasons went and love grew cold

And grey with yesterday

 

I don’t know if I could face you

And be the person I amI don’t know if I could handle it again

Or if I’d even give a damn

 

So you see why I’m sorry

For coming back again

I never thought it was possible

To untie a loose end

 

Don’t write to me

Don’t talk to me

Don’t tell me that you’ll stay

Don’t try to make up for lost time

It’s too late anyway

 

It’s better this way

 

 

Kyrie

 

Kyrie eleison

Kyrie eleison

Kyrie eleison

Christe eleison

 

 

Online Junkie

 

I woke up this morning                       

 With an aching pain in my head

My eyes were swollen and red            

Felt so tired, I wished I was dead                 

I made myself a coffee

Then turned my laptop on                               

Watched a video online till dawn

Another day, like that, was just gone

   

Oh no! It’s happening a gain!I can’t make this addiction end!

 

‘Cause I’m an online junkie

Need to get the buzz

Need to see I’m Facebook liked

And read I’m better than I was

I’m an online junkie

Need to get away

From Stephen Colbert and Spider Solitaire

Don’t want to meet my end this way

 

I’ve been missing work         

But you know what they say                                             

Money ain’t jack when you’re watching Steve all day

               

Gotta find a reason,  

To get me out of here

My friends are calling me up

Sayin’ I’ve just gotta stop

I say, “I think it’s too late, my dear.”

 

‘Cause I’m an online junkie

Need to get the buzz

Need to see I’m Facebook liked

And read I’m better than I was

I’m an online junkie

Need to get away

From Stephen Colbert and Spider Solitaire

Don’t want to meet my end this way

 

 

 

An Expat in Cologne

 

I left my land

With a dream in my heart

For COLONIA

For a brand new start

 

It was cold, and wet

Nothing strange for Fall

Yet the folks were cheerful

It was KARNEVAL

 

So I walked through the streets

To Heumarkt from the Dom

When I saw the crowds cheering

I knew I’d come home

 

Oh COLONIA

You have won my heart

You’re my sunshine in the rain

May we never part

Oh you’ve come to be

The loveliest to me

Oh Rhein city

True land of the free

 

 

To Rudolfplatz

I walked from there

Saw the broken gate

Costumed folks everywhere

There were peasants, there were kings

Drinking Koelsch along the Ring

And suddenly, my heart began to sing

 

                        Oh COLONIA

                        You have won my heart

You’re my new best friend

May we never part

Oh you’ve come to be

The loveliest to me

Oh Rhein city

True land of the free

 

Then I followed the crowd

Till we reached Chlodwig Square

And I cried, “ALAAF!”

Like the folks out there

 

We linked arms and shared a drink

They sang songs I couldn’t sing

As I listened, I then began to think

 

Oh COLONIA

                        You have won my heart

You’re my new found love

May we never part

Oh you’ve come to be

The loveliest to me

Oh Rhein city

True land of the free

 

And when the parades were over

And the streets began to clear

 I began to ask myself

What I was doing here

 

Then somebody said,

don’t worry, don’t even shed a tear

We have Karneval

Each and every year!

 

Oh COLONIA

                        You have won my heart

You’re my new found love

May we never part

Oh you’ve come to be

The loveliest to me

Oh Rhein city

 True land of the free

Oh Rhein city

The land of the free